Category Archives: looking back

[reminds me of home]

Not sure where I found this or exactly how long it’s been saved on my computer.

But seeing it reminds me of home.

The fact that besides Bangor at the moment home is Kent and by weak extension London and that this drawing is obviously not of London makes the fact it reminds me quite strange. But there you go.

Hope you’re all good.

[absent minded]

There are some people that when they stare into
space for a period of time will remark that they
were thinking of nothing.

There are some people that when they stare into
space for a period of time will remark that they
were thinking of everything.

Either way it doesn’t mean that you’re gonna
find out what it is that they were thinking
about.

[every road sign’s a reminder of exactly why we do this to begin with]

I am in a very strange place right now. Even
though that strange place is home.

Now that I live in Bangor that word has become less than
exclusive. I am able to call both Wales and England home,
and it feels very strange. I’m kind of finding it hard to
describe.

When I’m in one place it feels like I’m missing
out on opportunities in the other place. I call
both places home but also feel slightly estranged
from both. Which also makes me think as to
what I’m going to do when this Bangor based
adventure ends.

Do I stay in Bangor? If I do, I would have to find
somewhere else to live which I suppose wouldn’t
be amazingly difficult but at the same time. I would
have ‘done’ Bangor if that makes sense. I would of have
had the experience of it, which is probably a better
way to say it.

Do I return to my hometown? And if I do this,
I would probably have to think about actually finding
a career for the rest of my life and sort that out. But
to me that seems incredibly boring. Incredibly.

Or just disappear again. To pop back to hometown
after I have to move out of Bangor and within a couple
of months slip away again to another place/country.

The thing about this is that I have the worse
habit of not actually telling people that I’m
going away. And for some reason I can that
as being one of my character flaws. But on
the other side of that. I NEED to see the world.

I can’t just say to myself at twenty-two years old that
where I am is where I am going to be forever.

I just can’t.

I’m pretty sure I know which one of the three it’s going to
be. And I’m pretty sure you do too.

It’s not often that a primarily good person has to
make the choice between being selfish or not.
And picks the road that leads to selfishness.

But the truth is I haven’t really got anything tying me
down to anywhere. Oh the joys of beings me. It’s ok
to be envious just so’s you know.

[so fragile we are. so fragile we are we just don’t show it]

This is true.

I heard this line whilst listening to Gym Class Heroes song. And it
popped into my head that this is true. Well to me anyways, no
matter how fragile I may or may not feel people in general will
not have a clue because I rarely let people see that side to me.

The last time I can remember it happening was many
years ago. And I doubt it will be happening any time
soon, but, this doesn’t stop me being the person that’s
there when things go wrong.

I have seen the ‘fragile side’ shall we say of quite a few of the people
that I know and the strange thing is that I know for a fact that if
something went majorly for me, I would probably lie and say that
all is fine and devote some time to sorting it out on my own.

But hey, it stops people worrying about me, which is
what I like, I hate when people worry about me
because I always feel like they have better things to
be doing with there time.

I’m sure that one day I’ll grow out of this and allow myself
to be fragile with someone. But therein lies the rub, because
the moment I let myself enter that world of personal fragility
I will probably open my life to this person, everything that I
had always lied about, all the anxieties that I had ever had.
And that I’m sure I could never do.

Oh and the Gym Class Heroes song is ‘Shoot Down
The Stars’. It’s a good song, give it a listen.

[what I would have looked like as a chick]

These were made by my old flatmate Kate, the three chicks have been
made up to look like other people in the house [namely Rick Graham,
Alex Feery and myself].

I am on the left with a beard playing piano. Rick is in the centre  with emo hair and
a Guinness  under his wing and on the far right we have Alex. And although you
can’t see it he has got flesh tunnels taped on under his ears.

Found this photo recently and it made me giggle. So it’s on the blog.

I may start doing my posts like this just so’s I get into the habit of writing on here.

[it all started with a newspaper | part one]

My life at the moment and pretty much every
major thing that has happened in my life in recent
years is the result of my popping into my sisters
office and some unknown reason reading the
newspaper in 2005.

Now, back then this was pretty much an unknown thing,
me randonly popping into my sisters for one and reading
a newspaper for the other. Anyways whilst looking through
this paper I saw a job advertisement for a photogrpaher.

Now, although the job was based in Maidstone,
the interview was in Bromley. I had never been
to Bromley before so getting there was a bit of a
hassle [three very specific trains, on specific
routes, a lot more awkward than the route I later
figured out].

So I went for the interview and pretty knew there was no way I
was getting the job, they wanted somebody who was available
all the time and I was still at college. Ah well, but looking back
I do wonder how things would have been if I had got that job.

But anyway, I digress, upon leaving the interview
I had decided to have a walk around Bromley, seeing
as it was new and during my walk I happened upon
the Market Square branch of Jessops [a popular
photographic retailer] and thought that it would
do no harm to hand in a C.V to the shop.

This would turn out to be one of those of handed decisions that
would affect my whole life because, as it goes, I got an interview
.

Which I failed.

And to be honest I was kind of glad, it took two hours to get to
work and the journey seemed long and arduous to tell you the
truth. I really wasn’t up to it, every day.

Although a job at Jessops would have been much
better [and interesting that working at Mothercare]
and would have helped me as well seeming that at
the time I was studying Photography at college so
the money off things would have been awesome.

It was then that I was told that my C.V had been forwarded to the
other branch of Jessops that was based in Bromley, only this one
was inside the Glades  a shopping centre that I had missed upon
my first visit to the town [just so’s you know Jessops has shops
all over the country and that interview went as such,

Nash – “So you’re Richard then”
Me – “Yes”
Nash – “So what’s your shirt size then?”

One of the shortest interviews on record I am sure [about as sure
as I am that these things are rarely recorded]. So I left Mothercare
and started to work for Jessops and thats when things got
interesting.



A photo of me just after I started at Jessops, I would have
been about 18 or so years old.

I’ll continue this story from time to time, writing it all in one go was
quite daunting. So make do with just this bit at the moment, which
to be honest you should have figured from the title of the post.

Hopefully this will be the start of me using my blog again
and hopefully that’ll mean using Flickr, Tumblr, twitter
and all the other sites I’ve been ignoring.

[don’t get offended if i seem absent minded]

For those of you who were wondering about the novel
[as I have received questions from about four people]
it stalled for a while. Which is totally my fault to be
honest. It’s because it’s part of my nature for some reason
to start things and not finish. I think photography was
the only hobby that actually stuck throughout my life.
Most others died pretty quickly.

I will be changing that though, this isn’t just a blog
saying how I failed and that’s it. No. This post is
basically to inform that I am going to now try even
harder. This novel WILL be completed there is no
doubt about that. I’m even more determined these days,
basically as I have nothing to do and have wasted days
recently. That isn’t a just a saying. I have actually been
wasting days. Oh well.

I’m going to Dublin in Ireland soon. Which should be
awesome. Been wanting to go there for a while and the
fact that the flight only cost £2 you cannot argue
with that.

I’m probably going to place another post up in a little
while, just for the fact that I’ve had an idea in my head
for a day or two now.

Ah well. Oh and I’ve also been thinking of doing a
video blog soon, which should be interesting. As I
have no idea what I ‘d be able to say in a video
blog that I couldn’t just write down. Any ideas?

Actually yeah. Any ideas??

That’s a thought. If there is anything that you would
want my to vlog on. Leave a comment :]

[flights of fancy]

So, I’ve been away, since Monday I’ve
been in Wales visiting my friend
Tabitha. Wales [and more specifically
Bangor] was great. I actually fell in
love with Bangor pier.

Me and Tabs went to Conwy, it’s a
small town with a castle wall surrounding
it. It’s a lovely town and the ride there
and back was quite nice. I actually
spent the majority of the bus ride
letting my mind wander and flutter
around. It’s actually quite fun.

I like when my mind flutters and it
kind of worries me that I’ve only just
regained the talent, I had a few poems
in mind whilst we were on the bus and
visiting the pier, they were bouncing
around my mind yearning to be written
down but then a solitary house atop a
mountain would come along and I’d
forget it. Oh well.

Wales was ace.

Yep.

[what you could have done]

Standing at work.

“Richard?”

“Yeah”

“How much did you holiday
cost you?”

“Um, flights, hotel and what not,
about £171”

“Wow, think what you could have
done with that money?”

“Yeah, I did it”

=]

Coversation between me and my boss.
[My part of the conversation in bold]

Jessops Bluewater
19th January 2009

[summer]

Just a little note about summer. The
only thing I miss is sitting in a field
on a sunny day with my trainers off.

2944179803_d8d1ff7d8b_b
Over the summer I did this on many
occasions and I’m not sure why but it
just popped into my head.

[blocked]

In this new and digital age we are able to
[more easier than ever] decide who can
talk to us and when they can talk to us.

Mainly with Facebook and MSN as my
examples. I mean why is it so hard to
just tell people flat out that we don’t
want to talk to them?

Instead, we block them, or put them
on limited profiles, hoping, that they
don’t find out. Hoping that they don’t
go round a friends house and see the
version of MSN/facebook that we don’t
want them to see.

This has happened to a few friends of
mine and I myself have been on the
receiving end. I would be talking to
a friend and I would say:

“How often is she online these days?”

“Like all the time, why?”

“Haha, well she doesn’t show up
on mine?”

“Ah”

“Fuck it, lets get drunk”

[A little sidenote, alcohol solves all of
lifes problems, well mine anyways, I
don’t know how it works for the rest of
you]

This little point recently hit home when I
logged onto MSN a few weeks ago and
there were 7 people online at the time.
Six were blocked and the other I really
wasn’t in the mood to talk to, but hey.

The point that I am trying to make
is although, being able to decide who
can talk to us at given time is no
doubt a great advantage in the short-term
scheme of things.

It does promote cowardice and the
inability to talk straight to people. This
isn’t a declaration about how I’m going
to unblock certain people. Cause in
all honesty I can’t be arsed. =]

[i’ve got the shoulders apparently]

I’ve recently gotten used to the fact
that as well as being ‘that guy’ [the
one people can tell anything too], I
appear to also be that shoulder.

I somehow, over the past couple of years,
have become the shoulder to cry on. I say
‘couple of years’ because I don’t remember
anyone doing it before this.

It struck home at a work party, well in
actuality it was the after party, which
if I was to get into more detail. The time
between getting into the place we were
staying and getting everyone to bed
[which I had to end up doing].

But in this time I had two people crying
on my shoulder. With one of them it had
happened before and we get on really well,
so if I suddenly looked down and she was
crying on my shoulder I would ask what was
wrong obviously but wouldn’t be too surprised.

The other person on my shoulder was a
surprise though. not for the fact that
they were crying but because me and this
other person hardly talk, we generally chat,
but nothing of great substance and then
there I was. Saying how proud I was of
them and saying that they were doing way
better than I would have done in the
situation I was in.

Almost revealing a part of myself I’d
decided to keep secret, just to comfort
another person. is this the person I am
now? The one that has to cope with his
own worries as well as everyone elses.

[I would like to point out also that
neither of these people cried because
of something I had done]

Protected: [i saw a photo today and felt pretty much nothing out of the ordinary]

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[as i look out of my bedroom window]

Right now the weather seems pleasent,
albeit from my bedroom window, it’s
not extremely sunny but then again it’s
nowhere near gloomy

It’s more a really thin cloud from which
the bright blue sky can easily be seen
behind it.

To be honest I have never been a fan of
what usually coined to be ‘good’ weather.
The whole, hot with the sun beating down
never appealed to me, even as a kid.

No, what I have ALWAYS enjoys [I asked
my mum and she says I’ve been this way
since I was a kid] is when it’s sunny but
cold and windy at the same time. Those
days are great, they usually appear in
Winter, so when those days do arrive they
are quite short lived.

Also, adding to this, I have alway prefered
Winter to Summer, the idea of wrapping
myself up in a cover or duvet whilst
drinking hot chocolate seemed much more
appealing than trying to get myself cool.

But, today, I am actaully stuck inside, left to
observe the day as it slowly turns to night.
Not because i am a scared recluse or
anything like that. It’s just that I have no
money and nowhere to go. Till tomorrow
where I have to do some portraits for a
friend of mine.

Actually watching the weather today
will help my prepare for tomorrow.

[you see, i have this song]

Although my love for music is
well known and documented
[somewhere or other], there are
only a few songs that take me.

That was a strange way to describe
it, I’ll try again, there only seem to
be a few songs that [whilst I’m
listening to them] I can close my
eyes and forget whatever is
happening no matter how drastic
it seems at the time.

Some songs make me thing of better
days, some of brighter tomorrows.
The majority though, seem to be linked
to a particular time or person [or feeling
for/to that person].

But I do have one or two songs
that when I listen to them take
me nowhere at all.

I become completely at ease and there
is only the music.

I urge you to listen to this song, with
earphones and and with your eyes closed.


[when I listen to this song all is
considered and at the same time I
don’t think about anything]

[kinda doesn’t make any sense]
[oh well]